If I could sit across from my younger self, the teenage me with big dreams and even bigger emotions, I would not start with a lecture. I would start with honesty. Because leadership is not something you learn once. It is something life teaches you again and again, usually the hard way. So here is what I would say.

First, learn the difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is rooted. Arrogance is shaky. Arrogance is insecurity dressed up like strength. It is the version of you that needs to prove something to everybody. Kill the arrogance early. Keep the confidence. You are going to need it. Not just to lead others, but to survive the moments when leadership feels lonely, when people doubt you, when the work is heavy, and when you have to keep moving anyway.

Second, here’s the next thing you should know: being the strongest person in the room does not make you a leader. When I was in my twenties, boxing taught me discipline, grit, and how to push past fear. But it also taught me something else. Being tough makes you a good fighter. It does not automatically make you a good leader. Leadership is not about who can hit hardest. It is about who can carry responsibility with humility. It is about who can stay grounded when the pressure rises. You can win every round and still lose the room if you do not know how to serve people.

Third, never underestimate the weight of your words. I wish I understood that earlier. Respect people’s differences in talent, temperament, and pace. One of my biggest professional regrets is how I treated one of our co-founders when we started MAGNET. Most of us were ambitious, driven, hungry to build fast and win big. He was different. He cared about doing good work, steady work, meaningful work.

And instead of honoring that, I pushed him like he was a problem to fix. I remember cutting him off in meetings, rushing his process, and talking about him like he was slowing us down. I was wrong. What I read as hesitation was actually wisdom. What I called “soft” was integrity. At the time, we treated that like a weakness instead of a gift.

I still think about that. Because leadership does not just build projects. It builds or breaks people. And that is not a small thing. Do not take lightly the power you have as a leader to shape someone’s confidence, growth, and sense of belonging. You can be right and still be wrong in how you treat people.

Fourth, slow down your mouth and speed up your ears. Listening is not passive. Listening is a skill. A form of respect. A kind of wisdom. I know you want to talk, to be heard, to prove you belong. But you will learn more by listening than by performing. If you truly listen, people will tell you who they are. They will show you their intentions. They will reveal what they need, what they fear, and what they care about most. A leader who listens well sees more clearly, and leads more accurately.

Fifth, forgive faster. I know you think holding a grudge is strength. You think it protects you. But resentment is a cage. It steals your creativity. It drains your strategy. It keeps you replaying what happened instead of building what is next. Forgiveness is not pretending it did not hurt. Forgiveness is choosing to stay free. You cannot lead well with a clenched heart.

Sixth, don’t live off praise or hate. Both are junk food for your identity. If you build your sense of self on applause, you will become addicted to it. If you let criticism define you, you will shrink under it. Either way, you are letting other people drive your direction. Your job is not to chase approval or avoid discomfort. Your job is to stay faithful to your calling, stay true to your values, and keep showing up in a way that serves people well.

Leadership is not a title you earn. It is a life you live. It is character in public and in private. It is how you treat people when you are tired. It is how you respond when you are wrong. It is how you keep your heart soft while the world tries to harden it.

So to my younger self I would say this. You do not have to be perfect to lead. But you do have to be honest. You do not have to be the loudest one in the room. But you do have to be the most grounded. You do not have to win every battle. But you do have to love people through the fight.

If you can learn that early, you will save yourself a lot of pain. And you will become the kind of leader people trust with more than just results. You will become the kind of leader who makes other people better simply by being around you. That is the goal. Not to look like a leader. But to be one.

Beyond the Title is a series of Q&As with alumni of Madison365’s Most Influential lists. 

Dane County Sheriff

Strategic People Director, UW Credit Union

Read more from Brandi here.

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